Traci Danielson`s Essay 2 Peer Review

Critique on Masculine or Feminine : You Be The Judge

Answer the following questions as thoroughly as possible

Write the thesis statement in the space provided . Is it a clear idea , or would it be better for the writer to express his thesis /claim in another way "As an adult gay female , I have seen and can understand the narrator 's feelings of confusion with gender identity , as discussed in the story by Lewis Nordon , The All-Girl Football Team ' This would appear to be the thesis statement , yet there was not an even balance

between the writer 's experience , and the story she read

Explain how well the introductory paragraph introduces the text and its author , establishes a thesis statement based on the story and the writer 's personal definition of masculinity /femininity , and establishes an organizational pattern for the essay . What suggestions can you make to improve the intro paragraph ? What further information does the writer need to provide about the of the essay in the intro paragraph

The writer introduces herself in a compelling way , since she is a gay female , and is speaking about gender identity issues . Her concluding statement "Ultimately , I feel the narrator learned that there are masculine and feminine traits in each individual and it 's ok to express the traits of each gender whether you are male or female " --seems to be missing the antecedent , as the story she read was mentioned in the firs two paragraphs , and then not mentioned again until the end . I feel the thesis statement would have been more accurate had it been primarily about her experience with the two men who performed in drag , or if her essay had included an equal amount about the story she cited . Her descriptive text is engaging and does address the issues at hand however the introductory paragraph hinted at content that did not appear

Where could the writer add more examples from the story and his /her personal experience to support the thesis statement

I would suggest including information about religious views , and weaving the story content in with her own experience while including content from the story , in to parallel some of her own experience with that of the story 's author

Does the writer include the required number of quotes (3 ? Where could the writer include more direct quotes from the story

The writer included the correct number of quotes , but could have added a few more in the personal account areas . Overall , the essay was organized well , aside from the hints on the thesis statement that were not addressed . I felt the writer could have made this essay better by writing her thesis statement after she wrote the essay itself . I think she had an idea of what her content would be , but in doing the writing it veered into some other areas not covered in her thesis

How is the essay organized (clearly , logically , confusingly . Suggest an alternative way to organize the essay

The essay...