Marriage and Family

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY

2006 Differences between happy and unhappy couples

Various research studies have been quick to point out that love cannot be quantified . Since this is the case , one of the ways to measure the potential success of a relationship is to look at the variables that help an individual to choose the right partner (Schwartz

. 1 . More often than not , people tend to feel troubled when the initial euphoric stage at the start of the relationship begins to fade . Unhappiness is not synonymous to the lack of infatuation

which usually settles down after the couple become more familiar and comfortable with their relationship . Although meeting potential partners occur commonly in college campuses (DeGenova and Rice

. 120 , many individuals develop relationships well into adulthood . It is maintaining a happy relationship that poses a challenge to many couples , especially when surrounded with day-to-day challenges of balancing family , work , and household responsibilities

The essential differences between happy and unhappy couples can also be determined by studying the variables and components in relationships PREPARE-MC conducted a study on 50 ,575 couples asking them q questions on 10 different relationship categories or components . Of the 50 ,575 couples , 19 ,198 happy couples and 15 ,433 unhappy couples emerged as a result of their answers to the survey questions . These ten different relationship categories often help to measure the difference between happy and unhappy couples : conflict resolution , communication personality issues , financial management , leisure activities , couple flexibility , sexual relationship , couple closeness , spiritual beliefs and marriage expectations (Deal

. 1

Communication , which includes being a good listener to your partner and in understanding how your partner feels , is an important component for happiness among happy couples . What is key is finding a partner who is sensitive to how you see the world and experience life . A happy couple also needs to find a good balance of leisure time spent together and separately . Studies also show that happy couples tend to find it easy to think of things to do together than unhappy couples (Schwartz

. 1 It is thus important to allot a certain amount of time for your partner and for your relationship

Conflict resolution is also another important difference between happy and unhappy couples . Unhappy couples are often not satisfied with how they talk to each other and handle their differences . Happy couples recognize that their marriage and relationship exist in a constantly changing world , and that they need to talk about these changes and how they feel and should respond to them (Schwartz

. 2 . Once again , this goes back to communication which is central to effective conflict resolution between couples . A couple with excellent communication also has an easier time making financial decisions together and to discuss their sexual relationship more openly

Sexual incompatibility is one marked difference between happy and unhappy couples . Studies provide that sexual chemistry is something that either couples have or do not have , and which unfortunately sex therapy cannot completely remedy (Schwartz

. 2 . How important sex is for each person in the relationship , and how this may possibly affect the relationship , is best covered by talking to each other . In other words , the most essential difference between happy and unhappy couples is that the former practice effective communication with each other Although compatibility is important , talking things out will often allow the couple to grow in their love and understanding of each other in the years to come Gender Differences in Attitudes towards Intimacy

Studies indicate that there is a general association between femininity and romantic attitudes . Thus , there are sex differences in terms of sex roles differentially predicting romantic attitudes for men and women . These differences have largely been attributed to society in which males have traditionally felt threatened to admit romantic feelings which are regarded as feminine ' by society at large (Moore et al .

. 132 . For instance , society , most often through media teaches women to value themselves according to their appearance while men are taught that masculinity is about status and success rather than physicality (DeGenova and Rice

. 68 . These societal expectations shape the way men and women regard romantic and sexual intimacy

A study among college students shows that men were significantly more likely than women to report that they were willing to have intercourse with someone they have known for three hours , to have intercourse with two different people within a six-hour period , to have intercourse with someone they did not love , and to have intercourse with someone with whom they did not have a good relationship (Knox , Strudivant and Zusman br

. 2 . This difference in sexual attitudes indicates the different attitudes towards romance between men and women . Men tend to be more hedonistic than women in their willingness to have sexual intercourse with no relationship considerations or romantic attitudes involved (Michael et al .

. 78 . By way of contrast , women tend to go over certain considerations before deciding to have intercourse Unconsciously , most women tend to measure a man in terms of his potential for becoming a long-term partner , and thus tend to consider affection , commitment , and socioeconomic resources before deciding to have intercourse with a man (Knox , Strudivant , Zusman

. 2 . Women tend to slow down the process of movement towards sexual intimacy as they assess the man 's potential

Yet studies also show that females valued romantic intimacy significantly more and sexual pleasure less than males . Sexual intimacy has often been viewed as one way to solidify the romantic intimacy in a relationship , or to take it to the next level . For men , sexual intimacy can sometimes be nothing more than sexual pleasure (Ott et al br

. 89 . Thus , women 's attitude towards intimacy is a way of taking the relationship to another level . It is a sense of investment in their belief in their partner 's potential as a long-term mate . With men sexual intimacy may not necessarily translate to romantic intimacy or in a form of investment in the relationship , but can simply be a way to achieve sexual pleasure . These attitudes again reflect gender differences as ingrained by society . Women are taught the importance of marriage and finding a partner and building a family . Men are oriented towards success and status , which are often coupled with masculine traits such as dominating or conquering

This difference in attitudes towards intimacy can even be viewed in how sexual intimacy is defined . In a study , it was showed that male respondents defined sexual intimacy as sexual activity of any kind - particularly sexual intercourse and oral sex (Knox , Strudivant , Zusman br

. 3 ) whereas the female respondents defined sexual intimacy as any kind of sexual activity with one person with whom there is mutual emotional involvement (Knox , Strudivant , Zusman

. 3 . These gender differences in attitudes towards intimacy thus indicate that women traditionally regard intimacy as a way to get emotionally closer to their partner , and is a manner of investing in the relationship . By contrast , men traditionally view intimacy in a physical and sexual way separate and distinct from romantic , emotional , and relationship considerations

WORKS CITED

Deal , Ron . Top Ten Strengths of Happy versus Unhappy Couples Creating Stepfamilies . Marriage Network Oklahoma . 2006 . 25 Jun . 2006 http /www .marriagenetworkok .net /engine /emw .exe qshome home st 203 rec 14 kw news parm 11 trec 3 lktype 6 snum 1

DeGenova , Mary Kay and F . Philip Rice . Intimate Relationships Marriages , and Families , 6th Ed . Boston : McGraw-Hill , 2004

Knox , David , Lakisha Strudivant , and Marty E . Zusman . College Student Attitudes Toward Sexual Intimacy - Statistical Data Included . College Student Journal . Jun . 2001 . 25 Jun . 2006 http /www .findarticles .com /p /articles /mi_m0FCR /is_2_35 /ai_ /pg_4

Michael , R .T , J .H . Ganon , E .O . Laumann , and G . Kolata . Sex in America Boston : Little , Brown , 1994

Moore , Susan M , Gerard Kennedy , Brett Furlonger and Kaylene Evers Sex , Sex-Roles , and Romantic Attitudes : Finding The Balance . Current Research in Social Psychology , Vol . 4 , No . 3 . 23 Mar . 1999 . 25 Jun 2006 . http /www .uiowa .edu grpproc /crisp /crisp .4 .3 .htm

Ott , Mary A , Susan G . Millstein , Susan Ofner , and Bonnie L Halpern-Felsher . Greater Expectations : Adolescents ' Positive Motivations for Sex . Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health Vol . 38 , No . 2 . Jun . 2006 . 25 Jun . 2006 http /www .guttmacher .org /pubs /journals /3808406 .html

Schwartz , Pepper . Love Is Not All You Need . Psychology Today Magazine 8 Aug . 2005 . 25 Jun . 2006 http /www .psychologytoday .com /rss /index .php ?term pto-002 .xm l print 1

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